Many critics called 2001's snowboarding picture Out Cold
sophomoric. If that's the case, then the latest skateboarding picture,
Grind, is barely junior high material. With a young cast
of unknowns and an unending parade of cameos from Hollywood Squares'
"thanks, but no thanks" bin, nothing much goes right for the main
characters, or the audience watching them.
The picture starts where all of these must, the beginning of summer.
Dustin (Adam Brody) and Eric (Mike Vogel) dream of becoming sponsored
skaters, but can't get their "sponsor me" tape in front of a pro.
This calls for a ludicrous plan. With a couple of shirts from the
Shirtique, a possibly brain-damaged buddy named Matt (Vince Vieluf)
and a Casanova with a van named Sweet Lou (Joey Kern), they will
hit the pro tour as a fake team. A loose collection of wacky hijinks
ensue-some of which even seem to take place within the plot, such
as it is.
The cast itself is talented enough for this type of material, but
far too talented for this picture. Vogel and Brody goldbrick, sharing
the duties of carrying a plot that doesn't need more than one hand.
Kern shows a lot of promise playing McConaughey in Dazed and
Confused, but wastes his time doing a first-rate impression
of a second hand character. With nothing much left to do, Vieluf
mugs harder than Jamie Kennedy when he needs to make a boat payment.
Grind's first problem is the script. It fails on every level.
The jokes usually aren't funny and when they start to move near
the funny end of the spectrum, it means the bit has been done before
in everything from good teen pictures to Mentos ads. Eric has a
hot stepmom straight out of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
-except Ed Solomon knew how to do something with that material.
In Grind Eric's dad has married a young hot chick. That's
it. That's the joke.
While hiding on the tour bus of top pro Jimmy Wilson (Out Cold's
Jason London), Matt dominates the john and then he and Dustin have
to hide in the ruined facilities. It smells bad. That's the joke.
There aren't even amusing poo metaphors. There is nothing worse
than gross-out gags without the sack to gross-out.
Story-wise the script is awful too. The whole "Stay true to your
dreams, rip it up, and good things will come to you" clichés are
mouthed a few times, but when all is said and done, it's a cynical
"it's not what you do it's who you know" picture that can't even
accept it's own nature.
It shouldn't be surprising that screenwriter Ralph Sall accidentally
writes this moral into his story. Sall has worked as a music producer
for years on such classic dreck as The New Guy, Scooby-Doo, Clockstoppers,
and Cats & Dogs. One can only assume from the script's ineptitude
that Sall got the job on the strength of his contacts. At least
Sall's background means the that when Sweet Lou drops in a CD to
blast "Nothin' But a Good Time" the disc is recognizably Poison's
classic Open Up and Say...Ahh! disc.
Of course, Grind's awful direction doesn't really make things
any better. Director Casey La Scala has only produced before this,
and except for Donnie Darko he's shown about as much taste
in what he backs as a British Cooking expo. The producer of What
a Girl Wants and A Walk to Remember is probably not the
best choice to direct an overly-talky attempt at a teen sex comedy.
When it shows up, the skateboarding is fairly well sho, but those
sequences are so few and far between that the rats who are there
for the wheelin' would be better served picking up one of the many
videos available at their local skateshop. If you seen the hell
out of all them, go into the back catalogs and pick up some of the
Bones Brigade classics like Future Primitive and The Search for
Animal Chin, which is given a fleeting reference right before an
excruciating Tom Green cameo.
Except for listing all the unnecessary cameos (few of which are
from the skate world) there's not much left to say. Grind
isn't funny, the cast can't be faulted, but the filmmakers better
be. If you need a G movie on a movie scavenger hunt this weekend,
you would seriously do better with the dread Gigli; you'll
at least enjoy making fun of that.